On the last day of term I can very clearly picture myself saying the following words; "I am sooooo glad the kids are off for two weeks! Quality time together, lots of fun outings and they really need a break from school".
They were the words of an absolute fool, because as it turns out, a weekend was enough for my beloved girls, who were super burnt out on phonics, to recover. That first weekend was lovely, the weather was sunny, we rambled around the nature reserve, duck pond, park, we got ice-creams and all in all, had a great time! Of course we did, Daddy was home.
It has gone slightly downhill from there,
- During half term the kids bodies change vastly, they can no longer cope with 3 meals, 3 snacks and two desserts a day. No. They must be fed every twenty minutes without fail or they will ACTUALLY DIE. You will know when they need feeding, they will whine "I'm hungry" over and over whilst you forget to feed yourself because you are so busy feeding them. Sometimes, they will say this whilst eating and at this point, you must immediately supply them with EVEN MORE FOOD. You should probably bare in mind that your shopping bill will vastly increase and you will no longer be able to walk past a shop without ducking inside to find whatever they are craving at that moment.
- They will forget all manners and decorum whenever you set foot in public. Being out and about will instantly become a cue to act completely feral and it will be difficult to tell whether you have taken out your children or wild animals.
- You can plan all the fabulous activities and spend all the money you like, but two minutes after said activities end they will forget about that fun and be absolutely bored. There is no "sitting quietly having a chill" there is "constant activity's" and "boredom"
- By week two a midday nap for your children probably sounds like a fantastic idea. ABORT THIS IDEA, I repeat, ABORT IT. You will seriously regret it when they wake up an hour later with the most energy you have ever seen in your life and when that continues, long past bedtime.
- You will seriously wonder about the stability of your floorboards upstairs whenever the kids are up there because it sounds A LOT like a herd of elephants is traipsing through.
- Your kids will forget the most basic of life skills. Getting dressed? A complete mystery, this five minute task now takes an hour and a lot of screaming. Flushing the toilet? Why would they flush the toilet, its much more fun to leave it to hang around waiting for the next time you need a wee and then have to bleach everything and spray air-freshener all over.
- Every-time you need a wee the kids will immediately bang on the door with absolute desperation because they are about to wee themselves.
- Or because they need to be sick because they ate 4 Easter Eggs, after crying about how much they hate chocolate and hanging over a sick bowl for half an hour, they will return to their 5th egg, because Dad said it was cool to eat chocolate all day.
- Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. The washing machine will break and flood the kitchen, you will drop lucozade all over your phone and no longer be able to hear anyone, you will have ten thousand awful tasks and delivery's land on the same day etc.
- You will be the worst Mum ever because you won't let the kids jump off the bunk bed because you don't want to go to A&E again.
Stay strong Mummas, only 3 days until they go back to school and you will forget the horror that is half term and once again say things like "Oh I can't wait for half term"
